where you gonna go
by sinkorswim13
Summary: Finn Hudson is destined to be a Lima Loser. Rachel Berry is destined to be a star. When their paths cross and he slowly falls in love with her, he finds out he should have taken the 'star' part a bit more literally. Finn/Rachel, based on 'a walk to remember'


**( based on a walk to remember, both the book and the movie. thank you for taking your time to read this, please review. sorry if anything is too ooc. talk about ooc. who else is sad about the new rachel? i miss my finchel. i'm not sure about the ending, but i tried. song is by switchfoot. )**

…

'_welcome to the fallout. welcome to resistance. the tension is here, the tension is here. between who you are and who you could be. between how it is and how it should be.'_

…

"Hi baby," Quinn tells him as she leans up to kiss him. He places a short peck on her lips and Quinn offers him a smile in return. It's frustrating really. Sure, he respects girls- Quinn- but he's a teenage guy and all she ever wants to do is hold hands and snuggle.

"Hey, are we still on for tonight?"

She nods, grabbing his hand as they start walking, to her class probably, "Yes, Santana knows this great spot we can hang out and Puck says he has a surprise for us."

"I thought it was just going to be the two of us tonight," he tells her and he can't help but sound disappointed. He couldn't go anywhere with Quinn without any of her friends joining. Puck was his best friend, and of course he liked to hang out with him but how was he ever going to get to second base if he was constantly around? Besides, all of her friends- like Santana and Brittany- were really mean and he wasn't risking sounding like a pussy and telling Quinn that. And he _wasn't_, a pussy, you know, but Santana always made comments about how much he sucked and how bad he looked and sometimes he thought Quinn only dated him because he was the quarterback of the football team, _friends think alike_, right?

"You don't mind, do you?"

"No, it's just that-" He doesn't even get time to finish his sentence before she cuts him off.

"It'll be fun," she snaps, her eyes narrowing and he knows not to push it now. She was so beautiful, even now, with her face scrunched up and red with rage. Now and then he wondered why he even was with her- Quinn was definitely really scary sometimes and she didn't seem into him like he was into her.

He sighs as they reach her classroom. "Yeah, it'll be fun..."

She reaches up to kiss his cheek. He feels like a dog. He feels like a dog, a dog she can walk around with and show off and yell at whenever she wants and when he does good things- his reward is a kiss. On the damn cheek.

…

"Man, it's going to be awesome," Puck exclaims as he tells them about his plans.

Rory, a new kid from Ireland and water-boy on their football team, really wants to join their group of friends (Finn really likes his accent and the way he always wears green). Stupidly, he asked Puck. Dudes don't ask other dudes to be friends. Maybe on Facebook but even then it could take years. Puck knew that, Rory didn't and most of all, Rory didn't know Puck knew.

So now it's all planned. Rory is going to experience his hazing and then he can be their friend. At least that's what he thinks. Finn knows better, and that's why he keeps his mouth shut as he sips on a beer. He doesn't want to give Santana a reason to insult him or Quinn a reason to be mad at him later.

Puck pats his shoulder, "What do you say, Hudson? You wanna take the charge for a change?"

It figures, you know. The one time he does something, it goes wrong. And with wrong he means it turned out to be a total disaster.

"What could possibly happen?"

…

Puck gets him drunk. So drunk, Finn basically has to support him to his car. He gets into his own, his hands sweaty and his legs shaky. He waits for Puck to give him the signal, staring at the steering wheel.

He doesn't want to do this- he doesn't see the purpose and he might be dumb but he wasn't stupid, this was dangerous and reckless- but he was doing it anyway because popularity meant something to him. It meant something to everyone and if he didn't do this- that could be gone in a snap of Puck's or anyone elses' fingers. And God's knows it wouldn't take much for Santana- she wanted him gone, badly.

"Okay, so remember the rules- there are no rules," Puck chuckles with Santana and Brittany as Quinn leans against Puck's truck, beer in hand. She doesn't even like beer, he huffs to himself as he tightens his grip on the wheel. He knuckles turn white and his head feels dizzy. He only had one or two beers and normally he's able to handle it but right now all he feels like doing is throw up. Maybe it wasn't the beer.

"If you beat Frankenteen over here, you'll be our new _best friend forever_, sad-go-sucky," she tells Rory a sarcastic tone to her voice as she leans on the door's edge, through the open window.

Finn sees Puck check out her ass, winking at him as he notices him, giving him the thumbs-up.

He says something Finn doesn't really understand (under normal circumstances he had to try really hard already so his drunken slurring made it impossible) and Santana pats the side of Rory's door as Puck starts counting down from 5 to 1.

"Ready? Set? Go!" Puck yells, beer spilling out of his bottle as they all start cheering.

"Drive safely!" Brittany calls after them but soon all of their voices get drained out by the sound of spinning tires and growling engines.

Rory does well, really well- better than Finn had expected seeing the state he was in- that is until they have to take a turn.

He closes his eyes, before it happened, imagines his mother's face as he tells her he screwed up again. When he opens them he sees Rory's car against a tree, the hood on fire.

"Shit," he mutters, losing control over his own wheel as he slams into a few bollards. His head is pounding as he tries opening the door. It's jammed. He leans his head back- his entire body throbbing with every breath.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Puck yells as breaks open the door and lugs him out.

"We needs to get out of here," Santana exclaims as she shakes Puck shoulder, the sound of police sirens coming closer by the second.

"Shit Santana, Finn is bleeding."

"Get him up!" Quinn yells frantically as she helps Puck with getting him back on his legs.

"It's okay," Finn mutters, "I can walk. It hurts, but I can walk."

"Let's get the fuck out of here then," Santana snaps as Puck looks over at him. "You sure?"

"What about Rory?" He takes a hold of his ribs, wincing. He smells blood mixed with fire and he doesn't think he can ever forget it.

"We don't have time, cops are coming."

"Fine, you guys go, I'll be there in a second," he manages to get out.

Santana pulls Brittany along, rushing off towards her own car.

Quinn looks at him and he hopes she knows that he really hates her right now. He hates all of them. "Come on," Puck takes her by the arm, glancing over at Finn and just like that he watches them sprint away.

He limps over to Rory's car, yanking the door open. He knows he doesn't have much time before the car will blow up in fire. He seems unconscious, a wound on his head, blood pouring down his face. He pulls him out, drags him away from the car.

He coughs, shaking Rory as smoke invades his lungs. "Please wake up, damnit," he mutters as he hears a car pull up behind him, sirens loud making his head spin even more.

The last thing he remembers is the smell of his own vomit and the image of Rory leaving in an ambulance.

…

His mom doesn't say anything to him as she picks him up at the hospital. His leg is bruised and he has to use crutches for a few days, maybe weeks and two of his ribs are broken. Nothing to serious- besides those injuries and the fact that his face that was bruised and a bit swollen- maybe a light concussion. At least that's what the doctor told him.

Rory was worse off, way worse off. He broke his back and from what Finn knows from watching and playing football, that never means any good. The doctor told him he might not be able to walk when he woke up- if he woke up.

He got two hundred hours of community service, probably would get grounded and on top of that he had to speak to Principal Figgins for 'consequences on behalf of the McKinley school board' because they were both students as soon as he got back. All of that was _nothing_ compared to the guilt he felt.

The doctor advised him to stay home for at least three days, that he should take it slow. Normally he would've been delighted by the thought alone (school always made him feel dumb and unwanted even though he was in the 'in-crowd') but with his mom's silence and boredom striking, he felt like going to school after mere hours.

"I'm sorry, mom," he confesses quietly at dinner.

She reaches over to put her hand on his face, softly caressing his cheek. He sees tears form in her eyes and it breaks his heart as she whispers, "Where did I go wrong?"

He doesn't know _what _to say. Sorry for getting a kid in a wheelchair, mom? I didn't want to, but I did anyway? I did it because I didn't want to lose my popularity? Sorry for being so fucked up? He does know what to say, he just knows it'll make everything worse.

So he eats his steak but every time he chews or breathes his chest hurts and he knows that it's all his fault and this is punishment. Not just the broken ribs, but the constant reminder that he's a total screw up.

…

"Dude!" Puck hugs him, patting his back, "You're a total hero. How are you?"

"Yeah, thanks for not ratting out on us, pastry bag." He knows it's the closest to a compliment Santana is capable off so he takes it.

Quinn just looks at him, eyes dull and in that moment he realizes he doesn't feel anything for her. Maybe he knew all along.

Brittany hugs him tightly, her arms squeezing his waist and he winces, "For a while I thought you were a Transformer because you're so big but now I know you're real and you don't have a robot heart. I love you so much, Finn and if it wasn't for Quinn I would totally let you get to third base with me."

"Thanks?" He questions before turning back to the others, "I'm fine. Thanks to all of you, I got your fruit basket," he chuckles because to him it's funny. He plays along with their charade, like nothing happened while they all knows something happened. Something horrific. But after all he sacrificed to be with this group of people- he shouldn't just throw it away now. He doesn't know if that makes him a better person or an even worse person than he already was.

The bell rings and just like that every thing's back to normal. Except he's limping and using crutches and his eye is bruised and his lip is busted and Rory is in the hospital.

…

"This is a very serious matter, Mr. Hudson," Figgins tells him and slouches further into his seat.

"I know."

"Rory is in the hospital and fortunately he is awake now, but the doctor's think he's never going to walk again- at least not until, and that's if, his back heals properly," Figgins stares at him and he tightens his jaw. "What do you think should be your punishment, Mr. Hudson?" He folds his hands together on top of the table.

"I don't know, you tell me, Mr. Figgins," he says trough gritted teeth because he knows he was wrong and stupid and wreckless and dumb. So dumb.

"You're going to help out our janitor for the next two months. An hour before school and two hours after should do. On top of that you're going to tutor children from our middle school facility on Saturdays and you're replacing Rory in the Glee club and the musical until he's released from the hospital. There's no reason for other people to suffer from _your_ mistakes."

He nods his head firmly before getting up, slamming the door on his way out.

…

"I don't think I can do this anymore."

"I figured it was coming."

"You're not sad? Or angry?"

She shrugs and he looks up from the steering-wheel.

"I love you, Finn, but-" he cuts her off, balling his fists. "No, you don't."

She sighs, taking her bag as she opens the door of his truck, "Thank you for the ride, Finn."

He ends up breaking two of his knuckles because of the impact of the wheel.

…

"This week we'll be singing songs for Rory, to try and help him recover and get him back here as soon as possible," Mr. Shuester says, glancing over at him in a disappointing manner. He used to take Spanish from him, he seemed nice but he figured he could be saying '_Finn, you're an idiot_' in Spanish and he would never know. "Finn, please take out your earphones."

He sighs, putting his iPod away. Everyone glares at him, they probably think he's disrespectful but then again- they already hate him anyway.

"Thank you- now as I was saying.."

His mind drifts off and before he knows it, the bell rings. He's out of the choir room before anyone else, and it was worse than he had expected. An entire period in a room with people that all hated him wasn't exactly his favorite way to spend his day.

He felt a small hand wrap around his arm and he half expected it to be Quinn but when he turned around it was someone totally different.

A tiny girl with brown, long hair, and Bambi eyes and a really short skirt and knee socks. Her nose was slightly bigger than anyone else's, too, but he kind of liked the way it fit her face perfectly. He recognized her as one of Quinn, Santana and Brittany's victims. They slushied her every other day and wrote nasty pictures on the bathroom stalls (or so he'd heard). She was considered a loser at this school, an outsider, and he didn't really recall ever seeing her talk to anyone. She's in a few of his classes and he remembers something about her wanting to be a singer, or a dancer, or whatever.

"Hello, my name is Rachel Berry and I'm here to personally welcome you to our socially independent Glee club. It's nice to have some fresh and passionate talent around especially since you're membership could make this club more appealing to all kinds of people. People like you," her smile was practically blinding him as she shook his bandaged hand. He didn't even remember raising it. "Of course, it's rather visionary and tenacious of me to-" he cuts her off, shaking his head as he frowned. She talked pretty fast and used words he didn't really understand, it kind of made him dizzy.

"I'm just in there because I _have _to," he told her bluntly, taking a hold of his crutch again and her smile faded a little. He hadn't meant to crush her ghost or anything but his mom always told him '_honesty was key''_ and he might as well start listening now.

She gave him this, this look- that cut right through him. It was determined and kind of creepy and _informed_ but for a moment he wondered if she knew. He wasn't stupid, everyone in the school knew by now, but he wondered if she really knew. If she knew all the details, if she knew how he hadn't done anything to stop them from getting Rory drunk, if she knew how he hadn't wanted to do any of it.

"Doesn't mean you can't enjoy it."

"Doesn't mean I will," he tells her and he looks away from her eyes. They were so big and brown and when she smiled they looked even prettier. He sighs, "Look, I won't bother any of you if you don't bother me. I will be there, I will do what is asked of me, but don't except me to act like I am _like_ you. Because I'm not."

He gives her one more glance before he grabbing his crutches and making his way to his locker as he tries to forget her crestfallen look. Whatever, he was already the shittiest person on earth so there was no reason to even try to convince others he wasn't.

…

"So today we will be dividing the roles," Ms. Pillsbury tells them as she sits down on an empty chair in the circle. He knew the musical club was defined as club of misfits, but there really were some weird people in there (and for some reason Brittany was there too). Some kid called Jacob kept making remarks like '_she should really be naked it would add something to the artistic dimension of the scene' _and a girl called Suzy kept staring at him (and it was super weird because she wasn't even trying to hide it or anything which he always did- he would pretend to look at the ceiling or like he was actually reading his science book) and it kind of made him feel uncomfortable.

"Anita will be played by Tina Cohen-Chang and Riff by Joe Hart," Ms. Pillsbury claps her hands excitedly and a few people cheer, "Of course, Maria will be played by our talented and _kosher_ Miss Rachel Berry."

"I knew it," she exclaims, squealing and beaming as she repeats herself, "I knew it!"

"I am so offended right now," Brittany says.

"And Tony will be played by Finn..." She looks down at her notepad, and he quickly does a prayer- _please, let there be another Finn here_. "Hudson."

Ms. Pillsbury looks up at him and smiles, "Congratulations. Other roles will be announced this afternoon, you can find them on the-"

"Wait- I c-can't play the lead! I can't even, I can't sing. I thought I was just here to sway in the background and pretend like I was very important or something. Kind off like how they put the ugly cheerleader on the bottom of the pyramid?" He stumbles on finding the right words because this wasn't how he imagined it.

"You are here to replace Rory, and he would've been Tony if it wasn't for his unfortunate accident," he feels everyone's eyes on him and slouches down further in his seat. Mumbling she adds, "And it was either you or Jacob Ben Israel and I'm pretty sure he only showers on Christmas."

"Okay," she continues, turning to a guy with dreadlocks, "Let's start with Riff's scene, shall we?"

He sighed- this sucked major ass and he was probably going to get a ton of shit about this from his friends. Great.

…

"That is fucking fantastic," Puck chuckles as he stuffs more fries in his mouth.

"We'll be there to support you, _Tony_," Santana smirks, "Or laugh at you."

He groans and Brittany pats his shoulder, "If you forget your lines or anything, I'll fill in for you. I make a pretty good Tony." She nods to herself and he offers her a small smile (really, what else should he say?).

Rachel passes their table, this time wearing a sweater with an _owl_ on it and it's like she's asking for it.

"That's such a pretty sweater," Quinn smiles sweetly and Rachel beams at her, not noticing Puck and Santana's snickers.

"Thank you!"

...

He tries to teach the kid that _A is b times h divided by 2_ (because geometry was really only the class he was certified for to tutor in) but he just won't listen. He thinks his name is Jerry or Jeremy or something but he doesn't really remember, which makes it even harder.

"B stands for base and h stands for height," he explains again and come one, it isn't _that_ hard.

"I don't get it okay, I'm stupid!" He yells before wiping everything off the table (including his book which kind of falls onto his foot and kind of really hurts) and rushing off outside.

"Fuck," he mutters under his breath and _she_ turns her head around, gives him this judging look and he hates it. He hates this, he hates geometry, he hates _her_. Who does she think she is anyway?

…

She sits down next to him in the bus after ten minutes and he turns away to look out of the window. He doesn't really feel like her telling him he sucks at _another_ thing.

"Maybe you should try a different approach next time, try to motivate him with something else," she tells him and he turns his iPod louder.

"He's kind of nice, Joseph. He goes to the same synagogue as me."

He doesn't respond, just tightens his jaw. Doesn't she realize he just wants to be alone?

"Have you visited Rory yet? Some of the Glee kids are going over there on Saturday to sing some songs and-" he cuts her off, taking out his ear-buds. "Do you want me to _tell_ you to go away?"

"I," she begins but she closes her mouth.

"You pretend like you're so much better than me but then again, you don't really have any friends so I wonder who's more fun to hang out with," he just snaps and he can't really help it but everyone has been riding his back every since the accident (one he didn't want to be a part of, one that wasn't his fault, one he took the blame for to protect his friends) and he couldn't have one moment, one moment where everyone would just shut up and let him be. Not even on the freaking bus.

"Don't pretend like you know me," she stares at him, hard and observant, nothing like the one she gave him in the hallway earlier. One of amazement and excitement. It was better. He might as well show her the real him now.

"But I do. You're Rachel Berry. You've been in my classes since freshman year but I never really knew your name. You're the president of the Glee club, the celibacy club, some Jewish one and the African-American club. You sit alone at lunch or you spend it in the auditorium singing. You wear funny sweaters with cats or reindeers on them and wear _really _long socks and it's kind of weird. You tutor kids on Saturday and all you ever talk about are stars and dreams and Broadway and no one really wants to think about the future and that's why people don't like you."

"Nothing I haven't heard before."

"You don't care about what people think off you?"

"No."

She gives him one more hard long stare (as if to make sure he _knows_ she means it, like it's some kind of hint) And with that she stands up and goes back to her own seat and he pretends he could do that, too. Not care about what anyone else thinks. Pretending won't get him anywhere, though, so he puts his earphones back in and leans back against the window.

…

He finally gets rid of his crutches and his ribs don't hurt as much anymore and he can drum again without having to sit in an awkward angle. It's then he realizes the musical is a month away and he still sucks. He doesn't know any of his lines and all Ms. Pillsbury does at rehearsal is practice the dances (which he already has the hardest time with remembering) and now and then a song but she tells them (him and Rachel) to spare their voices- it's just- he doesn't really have a good voice. He's going to need all the help he can get.

"I need your help."

Rachel looks around her, "Wait- Are you talking to me?" He smiles a little, because she's kind of dramatic and he thinks it's cute.

"Please? I know you want this musical to be amazing and without your help, I won't even live up to 'mediocre'."

She shrugs, putting her binder and script into her pink bag. "What's in it for me?"

"What?" He questions, swinging his bag over his shoulder and his head turning her way.

"What's in it for me? Why should _I _help _you_?"

"Because I don't want to ruin this for Tina or Joe or Jacob, or anyone else and neither do you," he adds the last part quietly and she nods her head.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay, I will. If you promise me one thing, I will."

"Anything," he breathes relieved.

"Don't fall in love with me," she says and there's this twinkle in her eye and he wonders for a second if she's totally, insanely crazy. But then she smiles that smile again and he figures it's a joke.

"Yeah, that _won't_ be a problem."

...

"_Make of our hands one hand_," he tries uncertainly.

"Higher," she simply tells him and he follows her commands.

"_Make of our hearts one heart_," he sings, higher this time (something tells him she really knows what she's talking about so he just does whatever she says).

"Higher," she repeats herself as she focuses her eyes on his.

"_Make of our vows, one vow_."

"Higher," she repeats again and he stops, sitting down on the edge of the stage. "I can't okay, I'm not a singer- half of the time when you talk about octaves and C's and B's I just zone out because you look really cute when you're so focused, but I can't understand any of it."

She sits down next to him, straightening her skirt, folding her hands underneath her legs. She looks at her knees before looking up at him, putting a stray of hair behind her ear, "You think I'm cute?"

A small blush forms on his cheeks (because honestly, did he really say that out loud?) and he just nods, looking away.

"Well, for what it's worth, I think you're really talented, Finn. I should know because I'm really talented, too. I know this song is hard but you'll get the hang of it soon enough and when you're on this stage, in front of an audience, you'll know why you pushed through. It's the most amazing feeling in the world," she puts her hand on his shoulder and he turns his head. He never really looked at her from this short a distance. She's pretty, maybe not common pretty, like Quinn or Santana, but she's naturally pretty. He likes that, that she doesn't try.

"You really think I'm talented?"

"You lack my years of training of course, but talent is something you can't fake. The fact that you're so modest about it makes you even more humble," she tells him before licking her dry lips and for a second too long his eyes linger exactly there.

"Okay," she gets up, clapping her hands, "Let's try again. Practice makes perfect."

…

When she sings, he swears he feels it right in his chest. In his heart, like it swells up to ten times it's size.

Her voice is astonishing and magical and amazing, for a second he doesn't believe it's real- she must be an angel or something, maybe she is- but then he remembers they're in the auditorium and it's his time to sing and they're at school and she's not an angel and he's not like her.

He starts and he figures that maybe, this musical isn't as bad as he had originally thought. "_Today, all day I had the feeling, a miracle would happen. I know now I was right._"

…

He opens his locker to get his books when Puck walks up to him, leaning his back against the locker behind him.

"'Sup dude, haven't seen you in a long time," he nods his head at him, as his eyes follow a

pair of legs passing him in the hallway.

"Just been really busy with the musical and shit, bro," he says nonchalantly as he takes his U.S. history book out of his locker, and _crap_, he didn't really remember he was taking that.

"Are you like gay now, Hudson?"

"What? No," he turns to look at Puck, "I just feel bad, you know. Rory is still in the hospital and-"

"So you _are_ gay."

Puck gives him one of those looks, you know, one of those that made him feel like he was nothing. One wrong move and it was game over.

"Nevermind," Finn sighs as he slings his bag over his shoulder.

"Hey losers," Santana smirks walking up to them, Quinn and Brittany following closely.

Puck leans in to kiss her and he guesses they're together again (their relationship was so confusing and it wasn't like he enjoyed thinking about it).

She pulls away, "Oh shit, Dianne Warren is coming over."

He turns around and sees Rachel walking up to them, another one of those 5000 watt smiles on her face.

"Hey Finn, so we're still on for after school?"

He hears them snicker behind them and he damns them for doing this to him, damns her for making this so difficult, damns himself for being so dependent on his popularity.

He knows he has something to prove so he blurts a quick, "In your dreams." He sees that familiar twinkle in her eyes fade, but she throws him another smile, nodding her head at him before walking away with her head held high.

Puck offers him a high five as he turns around, the girls laughing.

"Nice one, Lumps."

He damns this entire world.

...

He knocks on her door two, three, four times until she opens.

"Hi Finn," she tells him and he sighs relieved. At least she isn't ignoring him.

"Hey Rachel, I just wanted to say I'm sorry," he sends her a half smile and she returns it.

"For what?" His smile fades because he isn't sure if she's being serious or if she's pulling some sick joke on him.

"F-for earlier."

"Oh, you mean when you blew me off in front of your friends?"

"Y-yeah, I just can't be your friend like that, Rachel."

"In public, that is," her smile still doesn't fade and to be honest, it makes him feel even more of an jackass than he already does and is.

"I just really need your help, Rachel, the musical is in a week but after that, it'll be over and if I lose my popularity because of that, I'll have nothing."

"You would've had a friend, Finn."

"I just really need you," he tries but he knows she isn't going to budge any time soon.

"I thought I saw something in you, something different. But I was wrong, very wrong- you're exactly the same as all of them," her voice is soft and it pierces right through his heart. She tries closing the door but he blocks it with his hand.

"Look, I'm really sorry, okay?"

She sighs, closing the door after stating, "Me too."

…

"H is the height," he tells Joseph frustratedly for the fourth time. "_B_ is the base."

Rachel turns her head again, gives him this look again- and he just glares at her. First she doesn't want to talk him and now she's trying to lecture him with his eyes.

"I don't get it, I'm never going to get it," Joseph runs a hand through his hair and Finn knows he's frustrated, too, like him. He just doesn't know how to help him.

His stomach grumbles and he's really hungry when he remembers the gummy bears in his bag. He takes out a few, forming a triangle.

"Look, this line is A," he points to a few gummy bears, "If I count the amount of gummy bears on this line, I have H. If I count the amount here, I have B. If I add them..."

"You get seven, right?"

"Yes! Yes, exactly and then I just-" he's really excited because honestly, this is the first time he's ever actually helped anyone with anything.

"Three and a half, the answer is three and a half," Joseph smiles and Finn raises his hand for him to high five.

"Now, if we add a gummy bear here, and two there.."

Rachel peeks over her shoulder, and he pretends not to notice.

…

"Finn, Rachel.. Great job!" Ms. Pillsbury says excitedly, her eyes big as they finish '_ballet sequence_', "Just a little more work and you'll be perfect."

He pulls her aside, "You do know she meant me back there, right?"

Rachel looks up at him, "I know because I've been practicing this song since I was three years old." She turns, ready to walk back to the others.

"Please, Rachel, I'm begging you, give me another chance," he pleaded and he knew he was trying to sound desperate but he kind of missed hanging out with her.

"Why should I trust you?" She freezes but she doesn't turn around.

"I don't have any reason. I'm not any different from them, from the people who make fun of people like you all day. But I do feel, I feel guilt every time I watch another person being slushied or thrown into a dumpster. I don't know if that makes me a better person than them, or an even worse," he finally breathes, his chest heaving up and down, "_Please_, Rachel, I just.. I'm not heartless."

"One more chance, Finn."

He leans down to hug her and she tenses for a moment before hugging him back. "You won't regret it," he tells her, sending her one more smile before walking back to the others.

Sighing, she mutters to herself, "I hope not."

…

He spots her sitting outside on the bleachers and he makes his way over.

"Hey."

"Hey," she says, not looking up and he notices the small, brown, leather notebook in her lap.

"What are you writing?" He tries to peek inside but she quickly closes it. Her hair blows in the wind as she looks at him. "It's nothing."

"If it's nothing," he says before grabbing it out of her hands, "You won't mind me looking, right?"

He smiles and she tells him '_no, stop, please give it back_'. He frowns as he scans the pages, "What's a bucket list?"

She yanks it out of his hands, quickly putting it in her bag. "It's a list of things you want to accomplish before you die."

"Like what?"

"Be on Broadway," she smiles and he smiles, because man, she's so determined and cute, "Get a tattoo, befriend someone I don't like, but I guess I already did that," she teases him before continuing, "Witness a miracle. Go to China, go to a diner and pretend I'm from somewhere exotic, like Spain or Italy. Learn sign language. Learn to play an instrument I can't play yet. See things like the Mona Lisa and Niagara Falls. Write an autobiography, help someone accomplish something they never thought they could do- and the best part is that it's all reachable."

He likes how she dreams so big, he wishes he could that. "What's number one?"

She shrugs, grinning at him, "You'll have to stick around if you want to find out."

…

"I want us to be together again," Quinn tells him right before practice by the door of the auditorium and he frowns.

"We were never right together."

"But we can be," she steps closer to him, putting her hand on his chest, "Please, Finn? I love you."

Tina calls out his name and he tells her he'll be right there before turning back to Quinn, "I can't, Quinn. We're just friends now, remember?"

"It's that damn freak isn't it?" She looks like she's about to cry from anger and frustration and he just shakes his head.

"I have to go, but I'll talk to you later, okay?"

He doesn't.

...

She says something to him and his mind goes blank. Completely blank. On the stage, on opening night, in front of an audience. He doesn't remember what to say or do and all he sees is Ms. Pillsbury jumping on the side of the stage mouthing something.

His palms turn sweaty and he looks at Rachel and she just stares at him, her eyes big and wide as she repeats her last sentence. They're sitting on the the ground and he knows she's supposed to start singing soon but all he feels is his sticky back and her small hands in his.

Music starts playing in the background and she repeats her line again.

"_Loving is enough_," she squeezes his hands softly, as she slowly moves her mouth, '_not here.._'

He quickly sits up, straightens his back, the words flooding back to him, "_Not here. They won't let us be._" He sees Ms. Pillsbury put a hand to her heart and he squeezes Rachel's hands back.

"_Then we'll run away,_" she tells him, moving closer to him.

He looks into her eyes, moving closer too and whispers, "_Yeah, we can._" She doesn't blink- just stares back at him and suddenly he just feels like if he doesn't kiss her right now, he might die.

So he does, and he knows it's not in the script because Ms. Pillsbury doesn't like physical contact and his friends are in the audience (because no matter how much they hated it they _were_ his friends) but he thinks it fits in the play and it's perfect to him (it _feels_ perfect) and secretly he hopes it's perfect to her (Rachel not Ms. Pillsbury), too.

"_Hold my hand and we are halfway there, hold my hand and I'll take you there.._"

…

She hugs him as the curtains close and he pulls away, steadying his hands on her waist.

"You were _amazing_," he tells her honestly, their breaths still heavy from the closing number as she bites her bottom lip.

Her cheeks taint pink and she smiles, "So were you, Finn! We killed it."

"I guess you can cross another thing off your list," he grins tauntingly as she shoots him a confusing glance making his smile widen. "Help someone with something they never thought they could do?"

She opens her mouth to say something but he doesn't give her the chance, "No matter what you say- I would've probably thrown up twice by now if it wasn't for you."

"Don't be so hard on yourself," she says as they start walking to the dressing rooms, "I thought you were the perfect Tony."

"You are perfect," he turns to look at her and she looks up at him and all he wants to do is just kiss her again and again and _again_.

"Finn, I really like you but.." Her eyes are apologetic and so, so pretty.

"But what?" He reaches down to take her hand and he puts it on his chest, "Every time you smile at me, my heart beats faster."

She laughs softly, moving her hand to the other side of his chest, "Your heart is on_ this_ side." She laughs, but somehow he doesn't feel like she's laughing at him (a feeling he gets a lot especially when he says something dumb).

"See, you're so smart _and_ talented and pretty, really pretty," he leans down to kiss her cheek, "Will you go on a date with me?"

She's about to answer when her dad comes in, pulling her into his arms, not caring he's squashing the flowers in his hands. She shoots him an apologetic look but he smiles at her one last time before going over to the male dressing rooms.

…

"As much as it kills me to say this, you were awesome, dude," Puck man-hugs him and Finn smiles (at least he didn't bring a slushie or anything).

"If Berry hadn't been so painstakingly annoying I would've maybe actually enjoyed it," Santana cuts in and Finn frowns.

"I don't get why you're all so mean to her, she's amazing and she's so talented and she's not that weird when you get to know her," he tells them, turning around and pulling his shirt over his head and shrugging into his own.

"You got little miss beauty queen Quinn convinced you're little lip lock interaction with the hobbit on stage was real," Santana states and he knows he has no other choice but to deny it.

He freezes, keeps his back turned to them (because if he's bad at one thing it's keeping a straight face while lying under pressure) as he lies, "We were just acting."

He turns around and he keeps his stare on Santana, inside he's a nervous train-wreck but he manages to remain cool on the outside.

She nods her head before leaving the dressing room, stating she'll see them later.

"You're getting real good at lying, Hudson," Puck tells him, a smirk on his face as he puts a hand on his shoulder and he huffs in response.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

…

She ignores him for days after and when Mr. Shue gives them a duet in Glee club to celebrate the sold out musical (four nights and three matinees in a row that must be some kind of new record) she pulls him aside and whispers something to him. Mr. Shue tells them there's a change of plans and Joe and Tina are doing a duet because _without them there wouldn't have been a musical_- and it's all just total bull.

He races after her after school and stops her, "Rachel!"

She turns around abruptly, pulling her sweater tighter around herself. Her face is pale and there are bags under her eyes. She even pulled her hair back something he rarely sees but kind of really likes. He likes the way he can see her entire pretty face. "What?"

"You've been avoiding me," he states and suddenly he doesn't know what to say. He's been planning this conversation in his head ever since their kiss but it isn't like he imagined. She isn't smiling and her pretty eyes don't light up like they always do.

"I have," she admits, "I don't think I can be friends with you anymore, Finn."

"Why? Because I kissed you?"

"Yes, Finn!" She exclaims, her face turning red and he really doesn't know why she's getting so upset. "Because you kissed me! That's not what friends do."

"So go on a date with me, we could be more than friends- we could, we could be," he tries to explain but she shakes her head so he stops.

"I don't like you like that, Finn," she tells him, eyes stern and lips a thin line and if he didn't know her, he would've believed it.

"I don't believe you," he says and he is getting kind of pissed of because, _why_? "I just think you're scared and I was scared too because I've never felt like this about anyone else but I want to be with you. I want to kiss you whenever I can, Rachel, I want to hold your hand in public and, and call you things like 'babe' and 'baby' and I just- I want you."

"Well," she swallows hard, the rims of her eyes filled with tears, "_I _don't want to be with you."

"I don't give up that easily," he tells her, leaning down to place a kiss on her cheek before looking at her one more time and going over to his car.

He just hopes she'll give in.

…

He shows up at her house and somehow convinces her dads (did you know she had two, that was like four times as scary as any other girl) they had a date but she must have forgotten and he's totally sweating the entire time but somehow they believe him and they call her downstairs. She doesn't look surprised, doesn't look repulsed either, so that's good he guesses.

She doesn't talk to him, hates the fact her fathers forced her to wear something nice and just stares out of the window the entire car ride.

He takes her out to this fancy restaurant (it was Breadstix, but _still_. It was better than McDonalds or that Chinese place Mike worked at) and he really likes the way she looks.

She's wearing a small, just above the knee blue dress with a small star-shaped necklace hanging from her neck. Her hair is wavy and rests just over her shoulders.

"You look really beautiful," he tells her and all he gets is a muttered, "Thank you."

"Look, I'm sorry I kind of showed up at your house unexpected and all but I really, really like you and I don't get why you're so resisipant," he frowns and a small smile breaks out onto her face.

"Resistant," she says and he shoots her a confused glance, "What?"

"Resistant," she repeats, now full on smiling, "You mean resistant."

"I made you smile," he grins himself and she bites her lip, casting her eyes downwards.

"I'm sorry for being so dramatic," she looks up, "I'm just really used to people not caring. This is all so new to me. People just don't like me."

He reaches over to hold her hand, "I like you."

"You keep saying that," her cheeks taint red and she squeezes his hand.

"It's true. You're much shorter than Quinn and you kind of talk a lot, but I like you," he smiles at her.

"I like you, too."

"Good."

…

He gets tackled at the football game three times in a row because Puck isn't freaking covering for him so he asks for a time-out.

"What the fuck are you doing, Hudson?" Puck asks and Finn huffs, "I could ask you the same thing, Puckerman. What the fuck are you doing? You're supposed to stop them from tackling me, the quarterback, remember?"

"I will once you stop hanging around the freak club and that big nosed Jew. You're not one of them," he shoves him.

"Don't talk about them or her like that. They're my friends now, " Finn takes off his helmet, pushing him back.

"She's changed you and you can't even see it," he spits and Finn throws his helmet on the damp grass, leaving the field. There was no way he was getting back on that field with _him_.

…

It's spring break and he kind of spends every day with Rachel. He's in a fight with Puck what means he is in a fight with the others, too and besides, he enjoys spending time with her more than with them.

It took a while for her to initiate their kisses and it doesn't happen that often but when it does, he totally feels awesome, like he just ran the marathon and won or made the winning touchdown or brought the New Directions to a victory at nationals.

No matter if she kisses him or he kisses her her, they always feel like that. Like he is invincible. Their kisses are like the _Supermans_ of kisses. They come with their own cape. It's totally awesome.

"When we go back to school, everything will be different," she states as they watch an episode of _the game of thrones_. It's unexpected, out of nowhere and he doesn't know where's she's going with this.

"It'll only be different if we let it be," he responds, turning his head to look at her.

"You're popular and you have a lot of friends, friends that kind of hate me, don't pretend like nothing will change. We might as well break-up now."

They way she says it, not how, but the way she does, it stings his heart because she sounds so cold and hateful and it's not like the real, sweet, kind Rachel. _His _Rachel.

"Hey, look at me," he says and hesitantly she turns her head. He leans down and kisses her, his eyes squeezed tight.

"I'll never break up with you," she tells him, leaning her head against his and he hears it in her voice, the doubt, the fear- he doesn't feel the same.

"Me neither," he tells her, brushing a stray of hair behind her ear before kissing her again, making sure she knows, feels, he means it.

….

"Where have you been?" His mom asks angrily as he enters the kitchen.

"At Rachel's, I told you. I forgot about the time, I'm sorry mom," his eyes wide because his mom never really gets pissed at him. She just gives him a pointed look or a disappointed one or doesn't smile at him for days.

"What are you doing, Finn? She's a good girl," his mom lowers her voice, softens it, too as she reaches up ad puts a hand on his cheek.

"I know, mom. I really like her, she's different," he confesses honestly and his mom smiles a little before pulling her hand back.

"I hope you're being serious, Finn Christopher Hudson, because I swear to God-"

"I am."

"Otherwise, I know where you live," she jokes, a smile on her face and he leans down to hug her, because it's always been just him and his mom and he hates not laughing and talking with her like they used to.

…

They walk into school holding hands and the second they do, Rachel clenches his hand so hard he winces.

"People are staring," she whispers as they stop at his locker. She leans against the one next to his, carefully looking around. She's half expecting someone to jump out and throw a slushie in her face anytime now.

"It's just because I'm popular, and you're not," he smiles at her as he takes his biology books and puts them in his bag.

"You're not bothered by this?" She asks and her voice sounds so small it literally breaks his heart. He leans down and kisses her, a smile on both of their faces when he pulls away.

"You learned me not to."

She smiles at them and they walk over to her class. "I'll see you at lunch, okay?" He asks and she nods and he's almost afraid to leave her alone. People can be mean, teenagers can be even meaner, definitely popular teenagers and he knows she can stand up for herself but he just feels like, like he should protect her, you know?

…

He late for lunch because Mr. Shuester insisted on giving him some lame study advice for Spanish and he doesn't know why, but he knows something bad is about to happen today. He has had this weird feeling in the pit of his stomach all day and when he enters the cafeteria he only feels worse. Rachel is no where to be seen.

Then he spots her, her back to him but he sees Quinn, Santana, Puck, Mike and Matt all laughing.

He almost runs into three freshman as he speeds over and manages to avoid tripping over two times before he reaches Rachel. She's frozen, her chest heaving up and down, her hands clung around her bag as her eyes flicker from person to person.

"What did you guys do?" He yelled as he pulls her into his chest, stroking her hair as he leans down and whispers, "What did they do to you?"

"We didn't do anything, Finn," Quinn bats her eyelashes at him sweetly and he knows this is not about her, not all. This is about him and they know it. They're pissed he's changed and they're taking it out on her. He doesn't even remember why he was ever friends with them.

"Calm down, fluffy pyramid nipples, it was just a joke," Santana adds and Puck gives him an incredulous look. Like he can't believe Finn is upset or he can't believe he's not laughing along with them. "Yeah, calm down, Hudson."

"No, you guys are pathetic," he tells them and he doesn't think he's ever hated anyone this much.

"Remember who your friends are, Hudson," Puck tells him, sending him a glare as he gets up from his seat. "When you do, we'll be here to forgive you for your little outburst."

"_Clearly_, I don't have any," he takes a step forward, shielding Rachel from Puck.

"Why are you doing this? Look at her. She's a freak," he looks around for support of others and everyone laughs and Finn thinks he must think he's so funny, that he is the man but little does he know he's kind of sad and Finn should feel sorry for him. Instead he just feels a lot of anger. "She could probably house an entire Mexican family in her nose. She's an untalented loser and I know you-" Finn interrupts him with pounding him right in the face, the sound of bones cracking making him feel queasy and pain flood through his hand within a second but he doesn't care.

"What the hell?!" Puck is about to lunge at him when Matt and Mike hold him back.

"He's not even worth it, Puckerman," Santana says as she gives him this look, like _he_ betrayed _her_.

"Don't ever talk to me again," he bites before leading Rachel away, taking her to the auditorium. He faintly hears Santana calling after him that _he shouldn't be such a drama queen_ but he doesn't care, he doesn't even feel the need anymore to respond.

"What happened, baby?" He asks her, putting his hands on her cheeks. She's literally shaking, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"I, they, I just- she said she wanted to be f-friends," she stumbles on getting the words out as she leans forward and rests her head on his chest. She likes the sound of his heartbeat, it comforts her. She focuses on getting her breathing back to normal as she closes her eyes.

"Quinn?" He asks and she nods against his chest and he pulls her tighter to his body. "What did they do to you?" He softens his voice and he has to try really hard because he's still so, so pissed. She pulls away, shaking her head as more tears fall from her eyes.

"It doesn't matter," she whispers and as on cue his phone beeps and her eyes widen. "Please, please, please don't.. Don't look at that. _Please._"

Confused, he pulls out his phone and she turns away from them, wrapping her arms around herself as she sobs.

He has a text message from Quinn, Mike and some girl named Hanna from the cheerleader team and he opens it.

"_Seems like Ms. Rachel Berry is hiding quite the merch under those reindeer sweaters of her. Or, oops. She isn't. ;) xoxo Please forward to all your friends._" He opens the attached photo, and almost punches a wall when he does.

It's a picture of Rachel changing her clothes after gym and she's kind of exposed, kind of really exposed and he wonders why. Why would they do that to her?

"It's everywhere," she cries, and his heart breaks, "They, they posted it on, on Facebook and Twi-Twitter and they even h-hung some around sch-school."

"Baby, you know this isn't about you, right? This is about me. There's nothing wrong with you, you're perfect," he turns her around, wiping her tears and stained mascara with his sleeve.

"You kind of just punched your best friend, didn't you?" She smiles, it's a small one and it's a sad one, but it's a smile and he loves it.

"We're not best friends, not anymore."

She doesn't respond, just buries her head in his chest again and he just keeps telling her it'll be okay.

…

He arrives at her house a little later than normal, a pile of posters in his bag (what, the school wasn't even trying to solve the problem and he couldn't let her take down her own posters and hey, maybe he had looked like a creep collecting posters of a half naked girl, but she was his _girlfriend_) quickly placing a kiss on her cheek as he dumps them in the trashcan.

"You're my hero," she says as he sits down next to her on the couch. Something about the way she says it makes his heart warm up and his chest tighten.

"You're _mine_," he responds putting his arm around her shoulder and she leans up to kiss him, pulling away to cough. "Are you getting sick?" He frowns as he uses his other hand to feel her forehead.

She shakes her head, and he notices she looks paler, responds slower, "No, no, just a cold. I get them all the time, the doctor wanted to take out my tonsils but it might damage my voice."

"Are you sure you're okay?" He feels her head again and it feels kind of warm, but his mom always does this kind of stuff

He places a kiss on the side of her head as he turns to the television, "So, what're we watching?"

"Funny girl," she giggles at the expression on his face and he sighs.

"I should've guessed."

…

They're about to perform at Nationals and he gives her a good luck hug backstage, seconds before they have to begin.

"So what's your number one?" He asks her, raising an eyebrow and she beams at him, "You'll have to stick around to find out." He pouts because he really wants to know (he kind of always liked mystery cartoons like _Sherlock Holmes_ and _Spiderman _and he could never stop thinking about them until he found out the secret) like he wants to know everything about her.

She sighs, shaking her head to herself as she gives in, "To marry in the church my biological mother married before she died. I'm Jewish but she wasn't and I never got to meet her but I talk to her husband now and then. You can really tell he loves her, he still does. I love my dads but they don't believe in fairytale weddings. I don't blame them. It's not easy to be a gay couple in a small town like Lima."

"Cool," he tells him because half the time he doesn't know what to say when she makes such heartfelt confessions.

"Break a leg," she tells him, standing on her tiptoes to kiss him and he thinks she just looks so beautiful in her golden dress with the headband and her hair all curly and her smile so big because she's about to perform and they're totally going to nail it.

"I love you," he blurts out, and she looks taken aback and he kind of is, too, but then he remembers he has a voice and she's so talented and smart and genuine and different and funny and he just really loves her. "I love you."

Their cue starts and he gives her one last smile before they enter the stage. She doesn't smile back and when they sing _faithfully_ she doesn't even look at him once and he kind of feel hopeless because what if she doesn't love him back?

…

"We so won," he says excitedly after hugging Tina when he spots Rachel walking off towards the toilets.

"Rachel, wait up!'

He jogs up to her and she looks like she's about to cry. "Baby, what's wrong?" He tries to pull her into a hug but she pushes him away.

"Don't!" A few tears roll down her cheeks as she cries, "Don't! You promised, Finn, you promised!"

"What did I promise, baby? Did I do something?" He shakes his head and he's just so confused right now. He doesn't remember what he did. Did he forget her birthday? Their anniversary? Or was this one of these chick things where she pretends to be mad about one thing but is really mad about something else?

"You promised you wouldn't fall in love with me," she licks her salty lips, her cheeks stained with tears and make-up.

"I don't- I don't," he starts but she cuts him off, her eyes cold and hard, and she's kind of scaring him. "I'm sick, Finn."

"I'll take you home, just let me grab my-" she cuts him off again and he sees the frustration in her eyes in her movements, and he just wants to know why. Doesn't she love him back?

"No, I am sick, Finn," she looks straight into his eyes and it dawns in on him. The pale skin, the dull hair, the coughs, the sickness.. "I have leukemia."

"That, that is not possible, you're eighteen, you're going to be on Broadway and, and you're,-"

Her voice is softer this time, smaller but her eyes translate all the pain into one single look, "I found out when I was fifteen, I stopped responding to treatments over a year ago. I don't, I don't want to be angry, Finn, I don't want to live my life knowing what I'll leave behind when I die. I didn't need you to be reason for me to want to stay. I had accepted it."

"Why didn't you say anything?" He yells at her and he isn't mad at her, because he could never be mad at her, she's perfect but he's mad at the world and himself and God and _goddamn cancer_.

"Because I didn't want to be treated any differently. Especially not by you," she says, barely audible as another tear rolls down her cheek. She quickly wipes it away with her wrist.

"But, I love you," he says and he feels dumb because what kind of person says that in this situation? Like that would change anything.

She shakes her head, more tears spilling down her cheeks, "I'm sorry, Finn." She rushes off and he tries to chase her but somehow he can't move, he can't feel his legs and he sure as hell can't think of anything besides the look on her face and the words she said.

'_I'm sorry, Finn' _

'_I'm sorry, Finn' _

'_I'm sorry, Finn'_

Needless to say he cries himself to sleep that night.

…

After a week he knocks on her door and she opens it and almost directly slams it shut in his face. He puts his foot in the door and it's kind of ironic because a few months ago he was here because he'd been a douche to her and was afraid to be seen in public with her and now here he was. Desperately in love with a girl who refused to admit she loved him back.

"What are you doing here, Finn?" She sighs, checking to see if her dads are aroud before she opens the door a little further and steps out onto the porch. It's a little chilly so she hugs herself with her arms.

He offers her his jacket because honestly around her he never feels cold (kind of because she makes him really nervous and all) and she doesn't even protest.

She repeats her question and he puts his hand on her cheek, caressing it with his thumb. "I'm here to complete your list."

"Finn, do you not understand-"

"Yeah, you're sick. But I told you I would never break up with you and I _won't_. I will do everything I can to make you happy for the rest of your life and if that's a day or a year, I don't care- actually I do care but you know what I mean."

She leans up and kisses him and he kind of never wants to forget how she tastes and how her lips feel on his and how her hand grasps his shoulder.

He smirks at her as she pulls away, "So are you in for a road-trip?"

…

She fell asleep after about six hours on the road and he's pretty sure he stares at her for about two hours (it's a long straight road, okay, he wasn't dangering anyone besides he was really bad at estimating the time when he was tired). Her head is leaning on his shoulder, her hand resting on his stomach and he checks every few minutes if she's still breathing and he knows he's being dramatic but seriously, he has taken over about every one of her habits since he met her.

He stops at a diner about two hours away from New York and gently shakes her. She wakes up in the cutest way he's ever seen, rubbing her eyes and yawning before placing a kiss on his lips.

"Are we there yet?"

He shakes his head and his stomach grumbles (it's as if the universe is working against him) and he blushes a little. "Oh, we're going out to dinner?"

He nods and she smiles as she rests her hand in his, intertwining their fingers, "I'm starving."

…

"Okay, this is your chance," he tells her as they sit down in a booth and she shoots him a confused glance.

"Pretend you're Mexican or Canadian or something," he nudges her and she realizes what he's talking about. "No, I'm not doing that. Don't be silly." She looks back at the menu muttering something about '_vegan food_'.

The waitress comes and asks what they want to order and he nudges her again, when she doesn't take the initiative, he nervously looks up at the woman and tells her he would like a burger with fries and a coke in an accent he thinks he made up in his head. At least it wasn't American, you know?

He hears Rachel faintly giggle next to him and he sends her a glare.

She clears her throat as she sits up and starts talking in this funny accent he thinks is French or Italian or something and he realizes she's much better at it than him. At pretending to be this different person. She's a really good actress and it pains him to know only a small amount of people in the world know this. But then again she's better at everything than him.

"That was fun," she uses her hand to put it on his cheek and pull him closer so she can place a kiss on his other cheek.

And he smiles, because at least he has done one thing right.

…

She falls asleep basically the minute they get back to the car and he figures she's really really tired, like all the time. Even in the diner she was yawning every five minutes.

He manages to find a parking spot after about fifteen minutes and he parks the car. It's only a block away from their hotel and they could easily walk but he doesn't want to wake her up. So he carries her to their hotel and quietly tucks her in before kissing her forehead.

He doesn't want to upset her or cross her boundaries or something so he lays down on the couch. It's too short and his back hurts after half an hour, but he can hear her snore and that's all that matters.

…

They have so much to do in New York that he doesn't really know where to start.

He takes her to China town, tells her this is as much China as he could afford and she kisses him. They eat noodles and he buys her a _cheongsam_ which is apparently one of those weird, Chinese dresses.

They sit down in central park, and he kind of likes it here. It's definitely all very Rachel. He tells her if money wasn't an issue he'd take her anywhere in the world and she smiles at him when he gives her a coffee-cup with the Mona Lisa on it and a snow globe from the Niagara falls.

"And I want you to have one more thing," he adds as she shakes the snow globe and watches the snow whirl down behind the glass.

She looks up, her eyes wide, "Oh, no, Finn, you can't keep buying me things. This is, this is already too much." Her eyes fill with tears but he opens the small box in his hands anyway, revealing a small gold necklace with the name 'Finn'.

"It's so no matter where I am or you are, you'll always know I'm close to your heart," he puts it around her neck and she doesn't say anything, just hugs her as she whispers, "I love you."

...

He takes her to see a show on Broadway and (with a little help of one of her father's influence) an hour after the show they have fifteen minutes.

She can't stop gushing about the musical they watched (he doesn't even know what it was about but she knew all the words to every song and there was some green witch and a blond girl that reminded him of Quinn so needless to say her dads also helped out with _that_) and he takes her up the stage.

"It's your time now," he tells her as he squeezes her hand. She looks around the stage and the audience and she almost starts crying again. "I just don't know how I could ever thank you for this."

"Sing for me," he answers truthfully because he could listen to her voice for a thousand years and still not get tired.

"There's no music."

"Pretend there is."

"I may have a little something prepared ever since I was four years old. It is actually a duet but.." Her voice trails off but he knows she really wants to do this, by herself (and besides he doesn't really know the words and it isn't his dream).

"That's my girl," he grins and she beams back at him. And he loves the excited look on her face and she loves the way he calls her 'his'.

She turns her back to him and for a moment he thinks she's going to choke but then she starts,

"_Kiss me too fiercely. Hold me too tight. I need help believing. You're with me tonight._"

He's so enchanted by the way she moves, the way she performs the song, the joy in her eyes he doesn't even hear her sing anymore. It's then she looks directly at him, and that is what he meant when he said he can feel it when she sings.

"_I've lost all resistance and crossed some borderline. And if it turns out, it's over too fast, I'll make every last moment last. As long as you're mine_."

….

They decide to drive back an hour early because she's exhausted and she tells him she doesn't want to finish her list, because he is her list in some _methporial_ way or something like that. He figures she meant it in a nice way so he just smiled at her (he kind of thinks she was on to him because she laughed and squeezed his bicep).

They buy a few sandwiches in the middle of the night at a gas station and eat them in his truck on an abandoned road in complete silence. She leans her head on his shoulder as she eats hers carefully, taking small bites.

"I have a few other things of your lists right here," he tells her as he munches down on his beef turkey sandwich.

"Finn!" She exclaims and she looks angry with him and he half-grins at her. "I'm sorry, babe. I promise nothing was that expensive though."

She sighs, putting down her sandwich next to her on the seat, "Fine, but only because I like presents."

He takes out a pack of stick on tattoo's and shows them at her and she nods, giving him her approval. He knew she wouldn't accept anything that was too pricey now. He spots the necklace around her neck and it makes his heart swell and it makes him so, so proud. Like he's hers and she's his and that's all that matters.

He makes her choose out of a cat and a butterfly and a microphone and some other things but she ends up going with a musical note (she can name it too while he didn't even knew those black things had names) and he sticks it onto her wrist carefully.

He blows on her wrist and when he's sure it's dry and he places a kiss on it. "Done."

"Now you put on one," she taunts him and he shakes his head, thinking of the butterflies and kittens and horses that were left. "No thanks, show choir and the musical made me gay enough as it is already."

"Don't be a coward," she sing-sung as she takes his wrist and puts a transparent, black rimmed heart there. She rubs the sticker a few times before taking it off. She repeats his actions, "See, I think it looks cute."

"It looks gay," he tells her and she laughs and for a second he ponders if he loves her laugh more than her voice.

"It looks _cute_," she corrects him, placing a kiss on his lips. "That way you'll always carry my heart with you."

"You're impossible."

She bites her lip, shrugging, "I love you?"

He smiles before saying, "That brings me to the next thing off your list.."

She shoots him a warning glance but he continues anyway by pointing at himself proceeding by crossing his hands and then pointing at her.

"That's really sweet, Finn, but what are you doing?"

"Sign language, you wanted to learn sign language."

"What did you say?" She asks eagerly this time as she sits up, trying to mock his movements from earlier.

"I love you," he says, "And I know a bunch of other stuff like _you're beautiful_ and _you're cute_ and _I miss you_ and _I want you here _and-" she interrupts him by kissing him, her fingers grasping onto the hairs on the nape of his neck and normally she would've stopped by now but she kept kissing him, her other hand steady on his chest, his hands resting on her waist.

"You're the perfect boyfriend, I can't believe you did all of this for _me_," she confesses and she kisses him again. She tastes salty and that's when he realizes she's crying (again, may he add and he keeps thinking that secretly maybe she doesn't like any of this and she's crying because he's the worst boyfriend ever).

"I love you and that's why I'm doing this. I love you and I'm pretty sure it's not humanly possible for anyone to love another person so much and it makes me wanna dance and sing and smile all the time- because you make me happy," he rants as he grasps her hand in his. "I love you."

She takes in a deep breath as she runs her fingers over his knuckles, "I don't ever want to be without you. You're the love of my life and I know that's silly since I'm only eighteen and so are you but it's the truth. I love you, so _much_."

He cups her face and pulls her closer before kissing her and this time she's crying again but he knows they're not sad tears. They're happy tears. He knows, because he kind of cries himself, too.

His hands find their way to her back and she tugs on the bottom of his shirt. He pulls it over his head but then he pulls away, looking at her. "Let's not rush this."

"This, this is perfect," she whispers, "I'm with you, the boy I love, and you just made me the happiest girl alive. I want his, I want you."

"We don't have to do this," he caresses her cheeks but she takes his hand and puts it on her heart, looking up at him with those big brown eyes. "I love you. I want to."

It's their first time and it's messy and she cries again and it's in a car and it's not like he had wanted it to be or imagined it would be, but it's perfect,

And _damnit_, he really loves her.

...

"Okay, so the beat of '_don't go breakin' my heart_' goes like this," he shows her as he drums away. He offers her his seat as he tells her it's her turn. She tries and despite her effort she still doesn't get it (he kind of already showed her ten times by now but she just can't manage to do three things at the same time). She gets and he shows her again but she sighs, "I'm never going to get it right."

"Yeah, you will, come here," he tells her and he pulls her down on his lap, distancing himself a little bit more from his drum kit as he hands her his drumsticks (he totally got one signed by Shannon Leto), wrapping his own hands around hers as he starts again.

"I'm doing it," she says excitedly as she starts humming along (and he kind of thinks it's adorable so he won't tell her he's actually doing all the work).

"You're a natural."

She laughs but it gets interrupted by his mother calling out from downstairs, "Finn, Puck's at the door for you."

He frowns as Rachel turns her head to look at him. He places a kiss on the side of her head as they both get up, "I'll be right back, okay, babe?"

She nods and he prays to God Puck isn't here to make fun of him or Rachel or their relationship because he still has a lot of anger about this whole situation and there will nobody holding him back.

…

"I heard," is the first thing he says as they walk down the path in his garden.

"About what?" He asks as he kicks away a stone, his hands are in his pockets, balled.

"Rachel," he pauses as he stops walking, "I had no idea, man. I'm so sorry."

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to," he simply says because frankly, he's still pissed at him. "Where's the rest? They don't '_feel sorry_'?" He adds sarcastically because who says he should trust them?

"Santana's been crying in her room for over a week now, she feels horrible," he defends his other best friend, maybe his girlfriend. "Quinn showed up to school looking like a zombie, she refused to talk to any of us and I'm pretty sure Brittany quite the Cheerios and shaved off all her hair."

"But I'm not here for them," he continues, "I'm here for me, Finn. Because I'm your friend and I was too caught up in this whole '_popular badass_' thing for me to even notice there were bigger things in life than the amount of friends you have or how may girls you sleep with."

"It's cool, bro, I used to be like that, too.." Finn tells him as he look out into the distance.

"Until you met her, Rachel, I mean," he finishes for him and Finn just nods.

Puck claps him on the shoulder, "How you're holding up, Hudson?"

"Not that great," he tells him honestly as he turns his head to look at him. He swallows, pausing for a moment. "Horrible. I just can't think of life without her, you know?"

"You really love her, don't you?"

"With all my heart."

…

They visit Rory together, give him a fruit basket and Finn gives him some DVDs out of his private collection because he must be so bored.

"What are you doing here, Finn?"

"I'll leave you two," Rachel excuses herself, squeezing his arm before leaving the room quietly.

"I actually wanted to be your friend, I can't believe I was that stupid."

Finn nods, his hands in his pockets, "I did it once. Not the whole drunk driving thing, but Puck made me jump of this bridge and I landed straight on my face."

"Did it hurt?"

"Like a bitch."

"Good."

"Rachel visits me every other week, you know."

"I know, she's that good of a person."

"She's sure as a crow in a field of crops _too_ good for you."

"I know."

"Good."

…

They're sharing a pair of earphones as they lay on her bed and he feels like it's the right time. He sits up and she coughs, giving him a confused glance before sitting up, too.

"I want to tell you something and you can't say anything, okay? I know it's difficult, especially for you, but please, let me finish. You know you're special to me right?"

She nods her head, looking worried, coughing again as he continues, "You're like this beacon of light, guiding me through the darkness. You're this big bright star and for some bizarre you chose to let me love you and I feel that if I can just convince you to just let me keep doing that; I'm going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. I'd do anything for you, I love you."

She smiles at him as she leans up to kiss him but he pulls away, "But now I need you to do something for me. Will you do something for me, baby?"

"Anything."

"Will you marry me?"

She nods her head through her tears, grasping his hand. He kisses her tears away as he gently shoves the small ring around her finger (he borrowed some money from his mom and Puck owed him anyways), hugging her close. He wants all of her dreams to come true, including her number one dream.

He might be a _high school hero, life zero_, but he had her. And that was enough.

...

They're tutoring when she starts coughing uncontrollably. He looks up from Joseph's book to look at her, and when she doesn't stop he gets up and rushes over to her.

"Rachel, baby, are you okay?"

Her face is red and she can't speak but she nods her head and he almost believes her, until she falls over and he's just in time to catch her. "Rachel? Rachel?" He shakes her softly but she doesn't respond. "Joseph, call 911."

…

He's paced around this room for half an hour now when they finally let them in (him and her fathers that is). They cry and he just sits down next to her bed and clenches her hand in his as he prays to whoever is out there that she'll wake-up. The doctor's tell them she's okay but when and if she wakes up depends entirely on her.

He spends the next eighteen hours there, next to her, staring at her, holding her hand when one of her dads puts a hand on his shoulder and tells him to go home, get some sleep, eat. He refuses, spends another three hours there until she finally wakes up.

He pecks her lips, her cheeks, the corner of her mouth, her hand- anything he's able to reach and she manages to smile at him as she lightly squeezes his hand.

"I was so afraid I was going to lose you."

"You'll never lose me, I'll always be around," she tells him and with difficulty she brings up his hand and kisses it.

He nods his head and then he just snaps, "Why aren't you mad, Rachel? I'm so furious all the time. When I think of which dreams you won't be able to make come true, or that we'll never have children or the fact someday I won't be able to listen to your beautiful voice anymore or your laugh- it just makes me so angry and I just wish-" his voices trails off and she coughs before replying to him.

"All of my dreams have come true, Finn. You are my angel, you are my hero, you are my everything."

He shakes his head and he doesn't even notice the tears rolling down his cheeks. "It's not fair."

"It isn't, but I need you to promise me something," she pauses and he nods. She smiles faintly at him, "Please follow your own dreams. You could be anything in the world. You're talented, charming, smart, funny- you're the most special person I've ever met. And no matter if you'll become a singer or a quarterback or a doctor or a garbage man- do something that makes you happy, something that you love. Don't waste your life on me."

"You make me happy, I love you, isn't that enough?"

"I won't be around forever, Finn, and that's not fun, or fair, or a happy thought, or something any of us wants," she pauses and she hates the look on his face, he seems so broken, "but it's the truth. So please promise me, Finn, _promise me_."

"I promise," he says as he strokes her hair out of her face. "I owe you for changing my life."

She sits up a little and shakes her head, "Don't you see you changed mine?"

…

They got married in a synagogue a few days ago, it was informal and she wasn't even wearing a pretty dress or something white for that matter and no one was really around- but it was just for faith based reasons. He even got to wear those cool Jewish hats.

But their real wedding, their real wedding in front of their friends and family in a church with a party and a white dress and a cake, it was today and he'd never been more nervous in his life than when the bridal march started playing.

She takes his breath away as she walks towards him. Her dress is beautiful the top is made of white lace and it flows down like Cinderella's dress at the bottom but he doesn't really care about that. He just loves her so much and seeing her there, he just wished he could remember it forever. He wished he could remember the way her smile tasted when he kissed her, the way her hand would always play with a random item of clothing he wore, the way she was always singing even if she wasn't, the way she laughed at his jokes even if they weren't funny, the way she always smelled like roses and candy cane and _her_, the way they made love and they way she looked so beautiful when they did, they way she loved him with words and actions and with all of her heart, the way she looked today, the way she looked every other day. He wanted to remember all of her freckles, all of her smiles, all of her songs, all of her. He wanted to remember this walk.

"_Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Loves is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish." _

She beams at them, both of their hands intertwined and he squeezes them tightly, letting her know he never wants to let go. He never wants to forget the way her hands feel in his.

"_It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love take no pleasure in others people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes."_

The preacher or reverent or whatever, pronounces them husband and wife and they kiss. He doesn't know if it's their last and it kills him, so he kisses her again and again because he never wants to forget the way she kisses him with so much love and passion that he actually feels like he can be anything.

He knows the memories were bound to fade one day but the thought of her will always linger in his head and heart.

…

"Hey Mr. Berry, other Mr. Berry," he greets them as he smiles at them. It's Christmas break but their house is awfully undecorated. He remembers they're Jewish (and honestly, how could he forget). They invite him in and offer him some coffee, which he gladly except.

"So, how is it going on school, Finn?" Leroy asks him as he offers him a chocolate chip cookie, he declines the offer by putting on his hand as he responses.

"It's good, I'm majoring in music and I'm almost done with my last semester. When I'm graduated I want to teach Glee club or be a music teacher, something like that. I want to make a change for children that were just like me, before I met, before I met Rachel." He swallows hard, because even though he's had to miss her for over four years now, it still feels like it happened yesterday (when it was _actually_ yesterday he almost drank himself to death before he remembered his promise to her).

Hiram nods approvingly and smiles at him, "I'm glad you got to spend another year with our angel, Finn. You were probably the only person who was able to keep her with us for so long."

"I'm sorry she never got to witness her miracle," he admits to them honestly.

Leroy shakes his head, "You were her miracle, Finn." He taken aback by this realization because if he had been, she had been his. She had been his salvation, his redemption, his angel. She still was.

"And she was mine."

He would never forget her, he would always feel her presence near him, but he was going to make something off his life, change something for someone, anyone. He owed her that much.

...

'_maybe redemption has stories to tell, maybe forgiveness is right where where you fell. where can you run to escape from yourself? where you gonna go? where you gonna go? salvation is here.'_


End file.
